Our Inner Nobility

The following is a quote from Thomas Merton:

Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in the eyes of the Divine, if only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed…I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.

I came across a magazine article called, Discovering Our Nobility: A Psychology of Original Goodness. The article is from a chapter in Jack Kornfield’s new book, which is called The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology. The Thomas Merton quote is from his book.

In the article, Kornfield makes his case about how Western psychology focuses on pathology; and how Buddhist psychology focuses on the inner nobility and beauty of all human beings.

From the article, Kornfield states:

“Robert Johnson, the noted Jungian analyst, acknowledges how difficult it is for many of us to believe in our goodness. We more easily take our worst fears and thoughts and to be who we are, the unacknowledged traits called our ‘shadow’ by Jung. ‘Curiously,’ writes Johnson ‘people resist the noble aspects of their shadow more strenuously than they hide the dark sides….It is more disrupting to find that you have a profound nobility of character than to find out that you are a bum.’

“Our belief,” Kornfield continues, “in a limited and impoverished identity is such a strong habit that without it we are afraid we wouldn’t know how to be. If we fully acknowledged our dignity, it could lead to radical life changes. It could ask something huge of us. And yet some part of us knows that the frightened and damaged self is not who we are. Each of us needs to find our way to be whole and free.”

Sorry, for quoting so much; but this article made be pause and wonder about myself and ask myself if I believe in my inner nobility or not. How about you?

Mystics, Masters, Saints and Sages

I would like to recommend a masterpiece of a book called, “Mystics, Masters, Saints and Sages: Stories of Enlightenment.” The book came out in 2001, and it was compiled by Robert Ullman and Judyth Reichenberg-Ullman. I own a paperback edition of this book.What I like about this book is that it covers centuries of various people, starting with The Buddha and ending with Suzanne Segal. There are 30 individuals noted, including Rumi, Saint John of the Cross, Ramana Maharshi, Ramesh Balsekar, and Bernadete Roberts.What is neat about this book is that there is a one-page biography of the individual, followed by samples of some of his or her writings. There are photographs of some individuals.You may not agree with the 30 people selected, but it is a valuable resource.

Suzanne Segal

The following is a brief review of Suzanne Segal’s book, “Collision with the Infinite: A Life Beyond the Personal Self.” She was born in 1955 and died at age 42 in 1997.

There are many things about this book that resonate with those who believe in advaita and nondualism. Of course, this is my interpretation of her book. I would be interested in your feedback on this review.

In her book, Suzanne mentions her experiences that include such things as no self, witness, not being the doer, emptiness, and vastness. Also, she talks about her attraction to Ramana’s writings.

At age 18, Suzanne started to meditate and got involved with Transcendental Meditation and eventually became a TM teacher. She eventually quit TM because of the cruelty that she witnessed in the hierocracy of the TM top people.

After graduating college, Suzanne decides to go to Paris and stops meditating. She meets her husband there and eventually becomes pregnant. One day at age 28, as Suzanne is waiting in line to step into a bus, she experiences no self and a witness. After several months, the witness disappears but the loss of a personal self continues. The marriage eventually fails because her husband does not understand what she is undergoing.

Next is what Suzanne describes as the winter of her life, which lasts 12 years. It should be mentioned in addition to the loss of personal self there was a constant fear about this lost present. Thinking that she is going insane, Suzanne seeks help from psychotherapists; in fact, 12 therapists over 10 years.

Not having a background in advaita or nondualism, the psychotherapists label her “disease” as being a “dissociative disorder,” including depersonalization, derealization, and dissociation. Somehow, Suzanne believed this description did not accurately explain what she was going through.

While Suzanne gave up on her psychotherapists, she decides to go back to school for a Ph.D and become a therapist. She does graduate but decides that psychotherapy will not “cure” the loss of a personal self. Suzanne decides, instead, to spend her time training other psychotherapists about the concept of no self.

In the spring of 1992, Suzanne decides to seek a spiritual perspective on the emptiness of personal self. She first discovers Buddhism, which talks about emptiness and no self. She attends a meeting where Jean Klein is teaching. Klein was a well-known teacher of advaita. Jean invites Suzanne to meet with him the next day. He reassures her that everything that has happened to her is according to the advaita tradition.

Others reassured her that her feeling of fear was not that unusual, since Suzanne had no previous reference about no self. Either by letter or in person, Suzanne communicated with many people, including Jack Kornfield, Ram Dass, A. H. Almaas, Poonjaji, Gangaji, and Andrew Cohen. They all give Suzanne encouraging feedback.

Suzanne calls Ramana Maharshi her “spiritual father.” She found one passage in his writing very encouraging to her: “the sastras say one must serve (be associated with) the unmamifest sat for twelve years in order to attain Self-Realization...but as very few can do that, they have to take second best, which is association with the manifest sat, that is, the Guru.” This passage was significant to Suzanne because that in two years things may change for her, if Ramana was correct.

Suzanne writes, “As it turned out, the joy was to arrive all at once, crashing onto the shores of awareness suddenly and irrevocably, just as the first wave of the dropping away of the self had occurred twelve years ago.

“From the clear experience of emptiness of self, my state of consciousness was about to transition abruptly into the next season — the experience that not only is the no personal self, there is also no other. In other words, I was about to shift permanently into unity awareness, in which the emptiness that dominated my consciousness was seen to be the very stuff of all creation. Once the secret of emptiness was revealed in this way, I began to describe it as ‘vastness.’”

As for the concept of “doer,” Suzanne writes, “When it becomes clear that there is no personal reference point, it becomes apparent that there never was a personal reference point, and that everything is done and has always been done by an unseen doer. This doer doesn’t start doing when it seen as the doer. It has always been the doer; the personal self has never been the doer.”

Suzanne died in 1997 of a brain tumor.

I hope this helps to explain her book better; obviously for brevity, I had to leave a lot of information out. I still have questions, such as how can a former TM teacher not look to the spiritual realm first, instead of psychotherapy? Why would the universe cause her so much grief for 12 years with the abrupt ending of her personal self, without the preparation or understanding?

Books on Advaita/Nondualism

Books have changed my life. I started thinking about books, videotapes, and audio for beginners concerning advaita or nondualism. I tried to limit my entries to just five things. I also am interested in things that are free as much as possible from Hindu terminology.

Here in the order that I encountered the five things are the ones I have chosen. I would be interested in your list. I attempted this in a Beliefnet forum, but nobody came up with a list of five things.

1. The Experience of No-Self by Bernadette Roberts. Very unusual. Read it years before I found out about advaita/nondualism, and I could see after the fact how this fits in. Someone in Beliefnet told me that Roberts did not believe in nondualism but her experience was very interesting to me.

2. As It Is by Tony Parsons. This book shook me up and got me thinking about advaita/nondualism.

3. Spiritual Enlightenment by Jed McKenna. Only fictional piece. Very sassy and entertaining.

4. When Fear Falls Away by Jan Frazier. Biographical story about woman who becomes enlightened. Enlightenment is nothing what we thought it was after reading this book.

5. Podcasts by John Sherman. “You are not your life” is what Sherman says in all his podcasts. Follows Self-Inquiry method by Ramana Maharshi. Over age 60, Sherman spent about 20 years in prison for political bombings. His web site is http://www.riverganga.org/.

Jed McKenna, John Sherman, Jan Frazier

The more I read about enlightenment, the more my opinions have been changing. I am writing this on July 4, 2007, and I think it is appropriate to state my first objection. Many people look to the East for answers to enlightenment, especially India. For anyone interested in enlightenment, Ramana Maharshi is a key figure. There are books of his writings, and there are books talking about his sayings. Some people are so enthralled with the East that they have taken on Indian names.

Now, there is nothing wrong with all of this, except the following – they do not speak my language. Also, the impression is left that all wisdom comes from the East. I find the Indian writers, including Ramana, difficult to understand, especially references to Indian scriptures.

I was raised as an American, and I understand plain English. Enlightenment is available to everyone. A friend of mine goes to self-inquiry workshops. When I questioned my friend, the answer was that when you go up a mountain, if you want to be hit my lightening, it helps to wear tinfoil and carry a lightening rod. My friend went on to state that enlightenment is very difficult to attain.

This raises my second objection. For some people, enlightenment wasn’t difficult to obtain, although the person was undergoing some kind of crisis. Look at Eckhart Tolle. He was considering suicide when he became enlightened. Or Tony Parsons who was walking through a park in England when he became enlightened.

I am currently reading a book by Jan Frazier called, “When Fear Falls Away.” She was struggling with the fear that comes with the possibility of breast cancer. She was a worrier most of her life. One night Jan said a prayer for her fear to go away. The next morning she was enlightened. Her web site is http://www.whenfearfallsaway.com/.

The one thing I should mention, however, is that the one thing that Tolle, Parsons, and Frazier have in common is that they were all spiritual seekers. They had read spiritual books or followed spiritual teachers.

Jed McKenna says that enlightenment is very difficult and that it results at the end of an agonizing two year self inquiry process. Sometimes during this process, madness may win out. McKenna has three books out: Spiritual Enlightenment, Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment, and Spiritual Warfare. McKenna is a fictional name and his books may be fiction, but they are very interesting. Check out the web site http://www.wisefoolpress.com/.

Another person of interest is John Sherman, who spent 18 years in a federal prison for political bombings. John became interested in Buddhism when there was a presentation by Buddhists at his prison. When Gangaji went to his prison, he became interested in her teachings. He refers to himself as at one time as “Gangaji’s pet.” I believe he has broken off with her. Sherman was supposed to become a teacher but resisted for years. When he realized that he was 61 years old and a convicted felon, Sherman said he had no job opportunities other than to be a teacher. Sherman has a very soothing voice. He has a one theme message — Ramana’s self-inquiry. He has lots of Podcast MP3 downloads, each one of which is over an hour long. His web site is http://www.riverganga.org/.

I may be incredibly lazy, but I tend to be relaxed about enlightenment. Get on the path, head in the right direction, and if it is meant to be it will be. While enlightenment is a goal, it is not an obsession for me. Maybe it has to do with my older years. I will not jump from one spiritual teacher to another. I will not jump from one workshop to another.

Now that it is the Fourth of July, let’s celebrate American writers — Whitman, Emerson, Thoreau, Melville, etc. Why can’t Americans be enlightened? Why look to India or Tibet? It’s all right here, right now.

Is enlightenment easy or hard? I do not know, only that I will not make it hard.

Tell Me A Story

I am still interested in nondualism but find the literature boring and dry. I have always been interested in personal stories, especially stories about overcoming personal struggles.

I spend nearly two hours a day commuting back and forth from work. Because of the long commute, I have been a big fan of talking books. I have a CD changer in my trunk that can hold six CD’s. A few years ago, I started out with all the latest mystery/murder talking books by the famous popular authors.

However, these kinds of mystery CD’s no longer capture my attention. I find myself moved by inspirational stories about a person being alienated by God; and by the book’s end, the person having faith in God.

Unfortunately, most of these inspirational books have a Christian story. There aren’t books or talking books with Buddhism, Hindu, or nondualism themes that tell the same inspirational message.

Anyway, to put it simply, I wished there were more personal stories about nondualism in books or talking books. I find books on philosophy boring. The books out there today are basically preaching philosophical approaches.

Just tell me a story about your personal struggle and how you overcame it. That’s what reaches me.

Advaita or Nondualism, Wayne Liquorman, Am I a Balloon?

I have not added to this blog since December 2005, since frankly I have had very few comments on it. I figured that it was of little interest to people, and I became discouraged. I have been busy reading about Advaita or Nondualism, which has been to put it honestly has been a struggle. Recently, however, a couple of people have found this blog and left their comments. They have encouraged me to continue with this blog.

I have been spending my time in discussion groups, where I have posted a few items. I have found discussion groups somewhat troubling because although I received a lot of feedback, I think some people like to promote their own agendas and really do not want to discuss things. I have pulled away from discussion groups for now.

Of all my posts, this has been the most difficult for me. Part of the reason I think is that most of my other posts, especially the very first ones, have been about my personal experiences. This post is mostly embarrassing to me because I do not have any conclusions about Advaita or Nondualism. I am still in turmoil about this approach.

I had to laugh when in Wayne Liquorman’s book, “Never Mind,” Wayne quoted one of the people in a discussion group referencing the Advaita or Nondualism approach as making the person feel like he was an empty shell of a balloon.

As I have mentioned before, I struggle with the concepts. First of all, it is difficult understanding them, especially when I attempted to read the writings of Ramana Maharshi or of Ramesh Balsekar. I find myself gravitating to people like Tony Parsons, Gangaji, and Wayne, since they write simply and mostly keep away from confusing Hindu concepts. It was with Wayne’s book, “Never Mind,” that I got the clearest explanations of the concepts.

Now, I need to make a separation between understanding the concepts and buying into them. That is my current dilemma. I think I understand the concepts better, but the concepts are unsettling. Now, it may be rightfully be argued that this is the ego holding on or if can be argued rightfully that the concepts are not right.

It may come down to the concept of free will. Wayne would say there is no such thing —that we were born with a disposition leaning one way or another. You add in genetics and conditioning, and as Wayne puts it “the mind/body organism” has no choice but to choose one response.

I know this is putting it all very simply. Wayne would say that you are not the Doer or Author of your thoughts — that there is no such thing as free will or choice.

This is why the balloon analogy hit home for me and made me laugh. I feel the same way. I sometimes feel that the Advaita or Nondualism approach can appear to be very negative. If God is All and Everything is part of this All, why this game playing? Why must we discover the Truth by ourselves?

These are the questions I have been struggling with lately. I will be interested in your comments, and I will let you know if anything that happens to me tips the scales either in favor of Advaita or Nondualism or away from it.

Advaita or Nondualism Is Hard

My latest adventure has been studying Advaita or Nondualism. It is not very popular. What got me interested were the books by Tony Parsons, As It Is and The Open Secret. What I believe is peculiar with Tony Parsons is that he never references anyone else. He just speaks about his own experience.

My limited understanding about Advaita or Nondualism is that the concept of individuals is wrong. We are all part of what is called The Self. You can substitute God, Spirit, Buddha Nature, etc., with The Self and you get the picture.

My first exposure to Advaita or Nondualism was through a book I read, The Experience of No-Self, by Bernadette Roberts. It was written in 1982. Roberts was a Catholic nun for ten years. She left the cloister and raised four children in California. During a retreat, Roberts experienced her death and the disappearance of her individuality.

While I enjoyed Roberts book, I wrote it off as somewhat an anomaly. However, as I have written elsewhere, Tony Parsons’ books shook me to the core. It might have been his outrageous statements that what we are experiencing day-to-day is not real. We exist as The Self.

I then got attracted to Ramana Maharshi. Some of the books I was reading kept referring to Ramana. Through a Ramana web site I found a fellow seeker in Michigan. We met for lunch one day, and it was nice finding someone with the same interest. We have e-mailed each other quite a few times.

Another person on a web site got me interested in Advaita and recommended some other authors, including Ramesh Balsekar and Wei Wu Wei.

Finally, I got invited to a local meeting of people who follow Gangaji who was a disciple of Sri Poonjaji who was a disciple of Ramana. Someone also told me about the web casts of Wayne Liquorman (aka RAM TZU), who was a disciple of Ramesh who was also a disciple of Ramana. Those interested in Wayne can go to http://advaita.org/ for more information.

At this time what I believe about Advaita or Nondualism is that it is extremely difficult. It is very difficult to get rid of the ego and attachments. What is also difficult to understand is that enlightenment happens when we are not there. It is experienced by The Self. What I find comforting is that it says that we can wake up at any time. We do not have to meditate for 30 years or practice Zen.

I believe that waking up depends on the willingness of the practitioner to surrender the ego. I believe this is difficult to do without a teacher or Guru. I find the Hindu concepts mentioned by Ramana and others difficult to understand.

Anyhow, I believe there is something to Advaita or Nondualism. I find myself attracted to it but find trying to let the ego go one of the most difficult things to do. Also, I do not know how successful one can be off by oneself trying to experience The Self. Sometimes Grace just happens. Also, they say the teacher appears when the student is ready. Will let you know if a teacher appears.

The Voice

The following happened over 30 years ago:

I wonder what my life would have been
If a Voice had not intervened
I have visions of a dead or maimed child
Haunting me the rest of my life

I was pulling out of the driveway
I had looked both ways
When out of the blue
I heard a Voice say loudly “Stop!”
I slammed on my brakes
A child appeared
Walking behind my car

The Voice came from within the car
There was nobody around
The Voice altered my destiny
Why I do not know

Muhammad Weeps

Muhammad looks down and weeps
What have my people done?
He sees his people killing innocent people
And Muhammad weeps
His people are well educated
But unemployed
And society ignores them
And Muhammad weeps
Muhammad sees that his people are lost
They have lost faith and meaning
And Muhammad weeps
His people blame their empty lives
On others
The Infidels
And Muhammad weeps
His people say the infidels
Are polluting the morals
Of his people
And Muhammad weeps
Muhammad sees hatred not love
In his people’s hearts
And Muhammad weeps
His people have found meaning
In violence
In taking innocent lives
And Muhammad weeps

Does God Have A Heart?

Buddhism talks about the Middle Way
But does God have a Heart?
Judaism talks about Abraham
But does God have a Heart?
Christianity talks about Jesus
But does God have a Heart?
Islam talks about Muhammad
But does God have a Heart?
The Baha’i Faith talks about Baha’u’llah
But does God have a Heart?
Unity and Science of Mind talk about
The Laws of the Universe
But does God have a Heart?
We Pray
We Meditate
We Fast
We Read Books
We Cry Out
But What I Want To Know Is
Does God have a Heart?

The White Screen

We were going in different directions
You were going to be a priest
I had left the Catholic Church
Yet we became good friends
We both were excited
And afraid at the same time
We both did not know
What the future would bring
Both our faiths were being tested
Without telling you
I started meditating on a white blank screen
Then one night I decided
To believe in a personal God again
I cried out, “God show me a sign.”
At that exact moment the telephone rang
It was my friend
The first thing he said,
“I felt I needed to call you right now.”
He went on to explain
“I was walking up the walk to my house
When I saw a white screen in front of my eyes
At the moment somehow I knew
I was supposed to call you.”

Are Thoughts Things?

You said,
Thoughts are Things
Everything that Happens
Is because of your Thoughts
If you develop Cancer
It’s because of your Thoughts

I said,
Maybe or maybe not
Some saints developed Cancer
And it wasn’t because of their Thoughts

You said,
If a saint developed Cancer
It probably was because of Thought

I said,
Maybe or maybe not
It’s possible that bad things happen
To good people
And it has nothing to do with Thoughts

You said,
If you were more Spiritual
You would see
Everything comes from Thought

I said,
Maybe or maybe not
If I get Cancer
I’ll tell the doctor to cut it out
And I’ll take chemo
And that’s that
I’ll get back to my life

You said,
The things that happened to you
Are because you are not in touch
With your Thoughts

I said,
Maybe I am or not in touch
With my Thoughts
You live your life
And I’ll live mine

Canceled: God, President, and Dreams

I am sorry; I do not get it. Experts said President Bush won reelection because of the God and Family Value issue. But at the same time, television programs with God and Family Values were canceled.

Among those canceled:

Joan of Arcadia: God appears to a high school student. Maybe people do not like the fact that this show says God can speak to regular people, without going through an intermediary, such as a priest or a minister.

Jack and Bobbie: tells about the high school struggles of a future president. It is about the struggle of a single-family home. The mother is a liberal, while the future president becomes a Republican. Maybe people do not like to think of future presidents as coming from single-family homes or being raised by liberal mothers.

American Dreams: basically was a family show set in the 1960’s and covered issues such as Civil Rights and Vietnam. Maybe people do not like family shows to cover meaningful issues.

If you do not like to think and you do not like shows about God and issues, we always have the reality shows, such as American Idol, The Apprentice, Fear Factor, The Nanny, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Mole, Wife Swap, Survivor, Big Brother, Average Joe, The Contender, America’s Next Model, Anna Nicole Show, etc.

A visitor at night

You came to me in the Mist
In the Twilight
Between Awake and Asleep
I saw you first as a small ball of light
As you got closer
The ball of light got bigger and bigger
You were responding to my cry that night
Confused, my Soul cried out,
“How will I ever find God?”
As you approached me
Somehow I knew who you were
A saint I had been reading about
Appearing to me as a ball of light
Somehow you communicated who you were
Then you spoke to my confusion
You will not find God through books
You told me
Then you said,

"We should speak in the language of Heaven
In the language of Spirit
For there is a language of the Spirit and Heart.
It is as different from our language as our own language is different
From that of the animals
Who express themselves only by cries and sounds.

"It is the language of the Spirit which speaks to God.
When, in prayer we are freed from all outward things
And turn to God
Then it is as if in our Hearts
We hear the voice of God.
Without words we speak
We communicate
We converse with God and hear the answer."

After you spoke these words
Your light began to move away
Until I watched it disappear entirely
Then I decided to go to sleep
I awoke with a sense of Joy
A couple of weeks later
I was reading a book
Which had a quote from you
It was the same words
That you spoke that night

I am waiting to be free

My car was at a stop sign
When I heard a voice say
“I am waiting to be free”
I was living an in-between life
Too much stuff to do at work
Too little time at home to do all
the housework
Retirement was still five years away
I am waiting to be free
What is freedom? I asked myself
Is it not a state of mind?
Why was I waiting to be free?
Why did I not trust God/Sprit more?
Where was my faith?
Living an in-between life
Is not a place to be

A New God

Like a moth compelled to fly towards the light
I cannot help but to be attracted to the light of God
My fundamental church and I made an agreement
The church would show me its exclusive way to God
I agreed to follow all of the church’s doctrines
But something was wrong
Somehow I could not live up to the agreement
I felt shame and guilt and felt I was a bad person
I felt like I was not good enough for God
Then a best selling book came out
It explained what was wrong with the church
It’s not you, the book exclaimed, it’s the church
Things started to make sense
My reluctance was not with God but with church doctrine
I decided to leave the church
I was conflicted
Feeling joy and fear at the same time
I walked by a pond
Where I saw turtle eggs that had been broken
The baby turtles were free
I felt that I had also broken through a shell
But did not know where I was heading
Now, I had to decide for myself
What I believed
I had to question what I thought of God
I looked at everything with new eyes
I felt free but burdened at the same time
For the first time I had to find out
Where I stood on many issues
Without doctrines to show me the way
Over the years, I have found myself
Resistant to others telling me the way to God
At the same time I felt envy
For those who felt the church is home
Who had fellowship and believed
In the exclusive way to God
I am a nomad pitching my tent
Traveling the desert alone
Praying silently in my heart
To a new God not needing doctrines
Along the way
I have received signs
Pointing the Way
But my journey is my journey
Your journey your journey
I do not expect anything from you
And please
Do not expect anything from me
Let’s just love each other
The way we are

Sensitive Or Not?

In my comments in discussion groups and in my responses in my blog, I have hurt some people’s feelings. I see myself as trying to be sensitive but now I wonder from some of the comments I have received if I really am.

For example, in a discussion group, someone responded that his/her answer was Jesus. I sort of snapped at the person and told him/her in what I thought was a nice way that his/her way was not for everyone. The person responded that this was not his/her message. I apologized for my snap reaction. I have a good friend who is a born again Christian and tries to tell me that there is only one way to God — through Jesus.

This is not what the person in the discussion was talking about. My personal prejudice towards my friend’s attitude I placed on the other person’s comments. Which was not what the person was trying to communicate. The person was talking about a legitimate religious experience he/she had when he/she gave his/her heart to Jesus.

I have tried to have as a theme for this blog to write about my true experiences. I felt badly when I misinterpreted someone’s true experience as preaching about one way of approaching God.

I got blasted by someone else who suggested that I read an Indian guru’s writing. I shared with this person what I had found out about this guru — that he slept around with other friends’ wives. How can he be “spiritual” when acting “non spiritual?” The woman blasted me about my expectations being too high and putting people on pedestals. She thought I was one of these people who look for dirt on others, and that I would never be happy unless I accepted people as both good and bad.

While I acknowledged that such a supposed spiritual person could help others by their writings, I believe that it is important to look into the backgrounds of gurus and others we would follow. I was not sharing the negative about this guru to find dirt but to warn her and others that to be careful who you follow.

I do put spiritual gurus on a pedestal. I do expect them to be better than me. I could not write books or preach or guide others unless I believed in my whole heart that what I am doing is following Spirit/God. Is it possible for those who are not living their lives up to Spirit/God’s standards to write spiritual books? I believe God has used others who did Evil things, such as David and Paul, and turned their lives around for Good.

Another comment that gets me in hot water is that I do not believe disease is always caused by the way we think. I think sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes saintly people get cancer. I have been taken to task by saying things like this. That I am not really in touch with my feelings — if I were, I would see that we create the universe we live in.

I have been so rude as to suggest that if you get cancer all you need to do is have surgery to cut it out and then undergo chemotherapy. Hopefully, this will be enough to get rid of your cancer. This has horrified some who say that everything happens for a reason; and if I were more spiritual, I would see this.

I do try to be spiritual as much as I can. I do pray. I do say affirmations everyday:

Let me be happy.
Let me be healthy.
Let me be open to God and Spirit
Let my work be spiritual
Etc.

I am constantly reading spiritual books. I subscribe to spiritual magazines. At the same time, I recognize when all told I am not in charge of my life — God is. I take responsibility for raising my children right, for being a good and faithful husband, for being a hard worker, and for helping those who need help.

At the same time, as we have seen, positive thinking did not save those who worked in Oklahoma City or the World Trade Center, did not help those who have died in hurricanes, tornadoes, tidal waves, or car and plane crashes.

I believe that to be spiritual is to believe strongly in God/Spirit despite bad things happening around you and bad things that may happen to you. If I develop cancer, I will not judge myself as causing it, but consider it as another way to grow in my spirit. I believe God/Spirit is always with us, in good times and bad times. I will continue to believe in God/Spirit, despite the bad thing happening to me. Until the day when I am reunited with God/Spirit.

One last thing that may upset people. In some of my comments, I seem to attract opposites. I receive comments from those who believe that Jesus is the only way for everyone. I also receive comments from others, promoting Spiritualism as being the answer.

Tired

I have worked for 35 years, and I am tired. My job requires constant deadlines. But I cannot retire yet. Still have too many bills to pay. I may have to work for another four or so years. My son just finished his freshman year at college. Still more college bills to pay.

I spend about two hours a day commuting to work. I am tired.

Weekends bring more responsibility. I live on an acre and one-half. Constant mowing of the lawn. Constant upkeep.

At the same time that I say I am tired, I am not yet prepared to retire. What would I do?

Finding another job at my age would be difficult. What would I do?

While I do complain, I have it pretty good. I do enjoy my job, only not so much of it. I have lots of freedom at work; I can decide what I want to work on each day. I can take a day off anytime I want.

The only problem is that I am tired. I think my age has caught up to me. It takes me longer to replenish myself.

I complain, but the rest of the world’s people are struggling to find good water, food, medicine, and shelter. To try to stay alive for another day. To keep their children alive.

They would look at me complaining and shake their heads. I live like a king they would say. I have lots of material stuff — cars, a nice home, televisions, DVDs, cable, etc.

I will eventually be able to retire, while they will continue to struggle to stay alive.

However, that does not change the fact that I am tired. That is a complaint that I can tell the world. I am just trying to figure out how to get off this merry-go-round and to start living.

A Pope, A President, Mitch Albom, The Detroit Free Press

Excuse me since I am departing from my intended purpose of my blog — to report true things that have happened to me. I feel a need to rant and rave about hypocrisy I have seen recently. The hypocrisy concerns Pope Paul II and President Bush. Then I would like to talk a little about The Detroit Free Press and one of its columnists, Mitch Albom, who also is a book author and a radio host.

Over his reign, Pope Paul II central teaching was his opposition to war. No other Pope has been as emphatic as this Pope about how wrong war was. Pope Paul II talked frequently about the United States and how he strongly opposed its going to war against Iraq.

I was horrified and embarrassed by President Bush when he first announced his plans on attacking Iraq was really a preventative strike in the fight against terrorism. We were told that without a doubt Iraq not only had weapons of mass destruction but that someday in the future that Iraq would share its weapons with terrorists. Of course, we discovered not only was there no weapons of mass destruction, but our attack of Iraq became a recruiting poster for future terrorists.

After 9/11 we had the sympathy of the world. Most of the world was outraged at the violence against innocent people. In one act, President Bush, attacking Iraq, wiped out all that good will and sympathy. The world now disliked the United States as an aggressive country.

Today, the reasons for going into Iraq have shifted from weapons of mass destruction. The real reason we went to war we are now told was to liberate the people from a dictator. This has proven to be illogical since those with real weapons of mass destruction and dictators turned out to be Iran and North Korea.

Now President Bush is bankrupting the United States future with the cost of keeping soldiers in Iraq, as well as rebuilding the country. Our children and grandchildren will eventually have to pay the bill for this deficit. Yet, President Bush says the real enemy to our future is Social Security. Once again, he has shifted the argument.

I heard a comedian say the difference between the Pope and the President is this: the Pope believed in talking to God, the President thinks God is talking to him.

So, it was somewhat hypocritical for President Bush to attend the Pope’s funeral and talk about what a great Pope Paul II was. If President Bush wanted to honor the Pope, the United States would not have gone to war against Iraq. When President Bush’s face appeared on a big screen at the funeral, there were boos by the audience. The crowd recognized the hypocrisy.

Now for the Mitch Albom controversy. He was on deadline for a Sunday column in which it was announced that two ex-Michigan State basketball players were at the NCAA Final Four series. Before deadline the two players had told Albom that were planning on attending the Michigan State game. Albom wrote the column, stating that they were at the game, only to learn later that the players were unable to attend.

Mitch Albom is a solid journalist who made a mistake in judgment — he trusted his sources, which did not pan out. Albom wrote another story acknowledging his mistake. On crimes against humanity, out of a scoring system of 1 to 10, Albom’s mistake ranks a 3 at the most.

But was The Detroit Free Press satisfied with his apology? No, on the front page of their April 8 newspaper on the upper left hand column, it says:

“A Question of Ethics”
“Columnist’s error being investigated.”

The newspaper further banned Albom from printing future stories until its investigation is done.

Now, please!! Talk about ethics. The news media and its reporters were rushing to be embedded with different divisions during the Iraq War. This is a 10 on the scoring system of 1 to 10. Did the news media ever question the war? Did they help promote the war? Did they ask President Bush softball questions?

The Detroit Free Press has a nerve to talk about ethics. They did not turn against this President until it was clear there were no weapons of mass destruction. They did not ask the hard questions about the invasion of Iraq. Talk about hypocrisy. If the Free Press wants an ethics investigation, they should turn to an outside source to see how they contributed and supported the war effort.

Who really cares about whether or not two ex-Michigan State players showed up at a game? When put into perspective to the war in Iraq as an ethics question, there is no comparison.

Okay, I am done with my ranting and raving. I will try to get back to what my blog is supposed to be about. I could not help myself this time.

20 Questions Answered

It was 1970, and my wife and I were just married. There was a knock on the door, and it was an encyclopedia salesman. He said that the set of encyclopedia were free, but we would have to pay for 20 answers to 20 questions that we may have. He said that a team of expert researchers at the home office would answer any question I may have.

Instantly, I thought that I could have the answer to the big questions, such as what is the meaning of life. I also wanted to know more about God. Now, this was before computers and Google and Yahoo, where today we can find the answers to almost anything (except the big questions, of course).

So, dazzled by the 20 answers to my 20 questions, I signed the contract for the set of encyclopedia. Of course, right after the salesman left I came to my senses. I realized that I was really paying for the encyclopedia set. I called the state Attorney General’s Office. I received a call from the encyclopedia company which denied using any such a tactic as the 20 answers to the 20 questions.

The bottom line was we were able to get out of the deal and my money returned. Today, I realize that the answers are not outside of me but within me. If we are quiet enough, we can hear the answers to any questions posed.

God and Pain

I am the kind of person who prays constantly to an Unknown God. That’s just the type of person I am. I learned a little bit more about myself through a painful journey.

At work, we had a mass mailing. I carried several trays of mail one-by-one. The tray did not weigh very much, but I carried them a long distance. I carried several of these trays that day.

A week earlier my daughter was in a horrific car accident. She was at a standstill along with other cars on a highway, since there was an accident up ahead. She drives a 1995 Honda Civic. She was on the cell phone when an SUV rammed into her car. The SUV was going around 50 miles an hour.

I got a cell call from my daughter, who told me that she was bleeding and about the accident. She said an ambulance was on its way to take her to the hospital. She thought she was okay. When the SUV hit her, it broke her seat, and she found herself lying flat.

The bottom line was she was okay, although her car was totaled. We looked together for a replacement car and after a week found one.

I tell you about my daughter to lay out all the facts. The day after the mass mailing, I awoke the next day in tremendous pain, mostly on my left side from back to my leg. I could barely move, but did so in pain. I could not bend down on sit down — the pain was unbearable. I still went to work the next day.

Fortunately, I had my six month appointment with my doctor the next day, so I made it through the day, knowing that I would be seeing him soon.

He diagnosed my pain as sciatica, a nerve that runs from your hip to your legs. He gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxer. When I took the pill, it made be sleepy and kind of zoned out.

The next day my computer hard drive died. I could no longer use my computer or go to the Internet. I took the computer to Best Buy to have another hard drive put in. They said they would try to save as many files, if possible.

When I picked up the computer, I was disappointed that they did not put the files on CDs, but instead installed them on the new hard drive under a folder called, “Old Hard Drive.” The folder turned out to be 4.6 gigabytes. The bottom line was that the folder caused so many conflicts with the programs that I tried to install that it took me around 10 hours or so to get the computer working again.

I digress to tell you about everything leading up to something I learned about myself. When the sciatica and the pain occurred, I found myself no longer talking to God. I do not know if it was because of the prescription or the pain I was experiencing.

I felt a need to get well again and concentrate on that. I now wonder if people who are hungry or in pain concentrate mostly on the hunger or their pain. That in order to think about God we need to be healthy first.
It was almost like all my energy was focused on healing myself or on concentrating on myself and the pain.

It has been a week now and the pain has lessened, and I am now more mobile. However, the pain is still present, and I will need to get more medical treatment, maybe a chiropractor.

I was just wondering if others have gone through a similar experience where your focus goes from God to your own healing.

Intuition

Someone described the situation I was in as “you have a tiger by its tail.” This posting is about an intuition I received that helped tremendously. Before I tell you about this intuition, I need to give you some background information.

At the time, I was a public information person for a human services agency. What my agency was attempting to do was the right thing. Take children and adults with developmental disabilities out of state institutions and place them back into their home communities. Basically, we were creating small group homes that were under six people and a foster parent program, mostly for children.

The children and adults were sent away because doctors at the time were suggesting it and because there were no opportunities for them in their home communities. They were not allowed to go to school or work. Also, the philosophy back then was they could not learn. All of this has changed drastically, of course. We now know that everyone can learn.

Back then there were exposes on abuse that was happening at state institutions. Willowbrook in New York made national news, and almost every state had similar scandals. Basically, there was dehumanization occurring at institutions.

When we started to place people out of institutions into their home communities, a public out roar happened. The public would say things like these people were happy living in institutions; and, anyway, these group homes were businesses in residential areas. We encountered over 30 lawsuits. Some of our group homes were set on fire and shot at.

As the public information person for the agency, it was partly my responsibility to fight the opposition. I was contacted by 60 Minutes about the controversy and the segment, Not On My Street, launched the new season in 1980 and was watched by over 23 million people. I kept track of my telephone calls for a year — I was getting two phone calls a day from the local news media. In one year, 23 different reporters from one metro newspaper contacted me.

While I felt that I was holding my own against the community opponents, I also feared they were getting stronger and that they would one day unite and defeat the community placement. I found myself praying daily for guidance, since I felt daily that I did, indeed, have a tiger by the tail.

Now for the intuition. I was at a conference listening to a national speaker. What he was talking about was not helpful to my dilemma of our opponents getting stronger. I was not thinking about this at the time when out of the blue I heard a thought. It was not about anything I was thinking about at the time.

I have learned over the years to listen to thoughts that interfere with your regular thinking. The thought that came to me was more like a message was being relayed to me — “a knowing of something” or “a recognition of something.” I did not hear a voice or have an altered state of consciousness.

Here is what the message that came to me: my agency cannot fight the opposition by itself. If the agency continued on its present course, it would lose. I took the message very serious and as I considered it “a knowing.”

I considered the message a serious warning, however. I decided the message was asking me to work with others to fight the opposition. I have a master’s degree in Journalism. I had no experience in community organization.

Right after the conference I called up two advocacy agencies from two different counties. I told them I needed their help and that I would like to meet with them. We did meet, and they were more than happy to help out. We worked on a proactive strategy together in an attempt to keep a step ahead of the community opposition. Our efforts were successful.

Soon word of our success spread. I was invited to a meeting of agencies from another county to explain what we had done and why it was successful. From that meeting, we decided to start up a coalition, which we called “ACT for Developmental Disabilities,” or known around the state as ACT for DD.

Soon we had over 15 agencies that joined. We organized several rallies to the state capitol that included participation by the governor and legislators. We held news conferences, special events for the public, and got statewide publicity. One event is something people still talk about. We walked over 60 miles to the state capitol. For each mile, a friend would accompany a person with a developmental disability. They would walk or run. It took a few days to make it to the state capitol. In the meantime, the news media was giving us daily coverage.

The day of the rally in the state capitol, we got everyone who participated in the walk to the capitol to assemble a few blocks away. We then proceeded together to the steps of the capitol, where the governor and legislators were assembled. The young people with developmental disabilities ran up the steps and gave the governor and legislators hugs. I saw several legislators start to cry.

We eventually won our battle against the opposition, and we released thousands of children and adults from state institutions, many of which are now permanently closed. The children and adults are living active lives living and working in their home communities.

Today, we do not send people away to institutions. They now stay with their parents, go to school, work, and receive support from agencies, such as mine.

I believe the message I heard that day at the conference did not come from me but from the Spirit. For some reason, Spirit burst through. I do not know why Spirit broke through, but I am thankful that It did. Everything that happened since that message was followed just fell into place, such as the some many agencies banning to work effortlessly together.

TONY PARSONS

I just received through the mail a book by Tony Parsons called, “Invitation To Awaken.” I read his previous book, “As It Is,” three times. I find what Parsons has to say deeply disturbing, even though what he is saying has been said for thousands of years. I am confused and not sure if I buy into what he is saying. Would be interested in your opinion.

Forgive me for paraphrasing; and understand that I may have this wrong. The essence of Parsons’ writing is that the appearance of individuals and separateness is just that — an appearance. It is not true. Basically, God is playing a game of hide and seek in all of us. Another way of stating it is that it is all a movie, not starring you and me and others — but God playing you, me, and others.

Enlightenment happens when you (self) stop playing the game and realize there is no you (self). Enlightenment is pure awareness without you (self) being present. Therefore, every time you seek enlightenment, you (self) will fail because there is no you (self). You cannot read books, meditate, and do other spiritual things to gain Enlightenment because you (self) will have to lose the you (self) before you can reach Enlightenment.

I believe that Parsons does not buy into the Power of Now writers because they are telling you what to do, and Parsons believes there is nothing to do. I believe Parsons thinks they are operating on ego and perpetuating separation by talking about you and me. Parsons says there is no you and me, only God. You (self) do not need to obtain Enlightenment because that is all there is.

It is a change of consciousness and losing the self that exposes Enlightenment, where there is no observer, just Awareness.

To me, if Parsons is correct, this reduces God to a trickster, using us to amuse Himself/Herself. To me, it sounds like God was bored and invented a game to keep Himself/Herself amused. I do not think Parsons would dispute this. He would say, don’t fight it, that’s the way it is. Parsons would say that when you discover it is all a game then the jig is up and Enlightenment occurs.

Forgive me, Tony Parsons, if I misrepresented your ideas. This is what I am hearing from your books. What do you think of Tony Parsons’ God? Once again, I would be interested in what you think, since all of this is very disturbing to me.

ESP

I have posted my major ESP experiences under “A Sign” and “Baha’i Faith.” The following are two smaller examples of lesser ESP experiences, and they are a little different.

One happened while living in Michigan. I was driving through Pontiac and thinking about something when all of a sudden I experienced an interference with my thought. It was much like listening to a radio station and another station signal comes through on that station. All of a sudden, a thought of Helen came from nowhere. Helen was a colleague from another agency. There was nothing romantic about Helen, nor was I interested in her romantically.

I remember at the time feeling that this was very strange that the thought of Helen came up right in the middle of thinking about something else. I looked at the lane next to my car and saw Helen driving next to my car. For some reason, I had picked up her energy field. It was nothing conscious.

The other experience happened in Springfield, Illinois. I told my co-worker, John, about some of my ESP experiences. He said that he wanted to try an experiment. John said that at 8:00 p.m. he would be concentrating on something, and I was to try to tune in.

I have never tried anything like this. At 8:00 p.m., I attempted to tune in; but I received absolutely nothing. I called John to tell him the bad news. I asked him what he was trying to send me, and he told me it was the hand-washing scene in Macbeth, where Lady Macbeth was attempting to wash the blood from her hands.

I got excited and told John about a strange experience I had in the bookstore in the afternoon. I had picked up the book, Hamlet, and turned a few pages. I noticed in bold print in the book the hand-washing scene from Macbeth. I turned a few more pages. Then it hit me that there is no hand-washing scene in Hamlet. I tried to find the bold print that I had seen earlier in the book but could not find it.

For some reason, I had picked up what John was sending me but not at the designated time. Going to bookstores relaxed me. I must have been relaxed enough to pick up John’s thoughts but did not know what was going on at the time. Only that I had a weird experience in the bookstore.

LOSING MY DESTINY

Disaster struck. I was laid off from a job that I thought was my vocation. When I was younger, I was interested in becoming a priest. When it became apparent that I was not suited for the priesthood, I still felt a burning desire to help others. In undergraduate school, I majored in Journalism and minored in Social Work. My Dad was a publisher of a weekly newspaper in the Boston area, and I liked to write. However, I was conflicted because that I did not believe that Journalism would satisfy by desire to help others. On the other hand, I did not think that Social Work was really a good vocation for me, either.

I was able to combine these two fields of interest by accepting a fellowship to Syracuse University’s Mental Health Information Program. The National Institute for Mental Health sponsored the program. The Institute was interested in recruiting Journalist majors into the mental health field to write about issues that affect the lives of people with mental illness. It felt like this was the niche that I was destined for.

I sent one year on campus and one year in the field, which turned out to be a large mental health institution in Jacksonville, Illinois. I was involved in public information for the institution, doing publications, such as newsletters, brochures, and so on. While I was working in Jacksonville, the director of the Illinois of Department of Mental Health paid a visit. He personally invited me to tour with him all the institutions in Illinois, which I did. He later offered me a state job, which I accepted.

Three and one-half years later, I found myself out of a job. A new governor came into office and abolished my office in Springfield. The governor was a devious sort and set up another office in Chicago. I could have fought the layoff and won legally, but who wants to work for someone who does not want you? The governor later went to jail on illegal dealings as CEO of a company where he worked before he became governor.

I was humiliated because I did not have a job. I applied for unemployment. When I went to the unemployment office, I was personally embarrassed. To add insult to injury, after I stood in line for a long time and made it up to a window, the bureaucratic clerk harassed me. “You’re not looking for work, are you?” she exclaimed. I told her that I sent out over 60 resumes all over the country; and that, yes, I was looking for work.

About the same time that I got laid off, my wife made the decision to leave nursing. She was a registered nurse at a hospital but did not like it, so she quit her job. I was not particularly happy with the timing of her decision. She ended up taking a part-time job for a human services agency at a much lesser salary.

As for me, I still hoped to work in a mental health setting, since I enjoyed the work and felt I was truly helping people. I still believe it was my niche — my destiny.

One day I had an amazing ESP experience involving my wife. I was thinking to myself, “I wonder what days she is working this week.” While I was thinking this, my wife answered out loud the days of the week she was working that week, as if she had heard my thoughts.

I had a painful physical experience that occurred shortly after the layoff. I convinced myself that I was okay with my wife leaving her job and that the layoff was a chance to find an even better job. I had convinced myself that I was spiritual and that I had faith. What I forgot to do was to tell this to my body.

My wife and I were over her parents’ house one day when I felt a tightness in my chest. It was there constantly and every time I breathed. I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to see a doctor, who told me it was only nerves. The experience taught me that sometimes you may think you are fooling your mind with positive thoughts. However, you cannot fool your body — your guts — which knows what you are really thinking. The tightness in my chest taught me that I was not really in touch with my true feelings — that I was more concerned with my wife’s and my financial condition than I had thought.

One of the resumes struck gold about a year later, and I have been working in Michigan for the last 31 years. I never again had to go through the humiliating experience of being berratted by a clerk at an employment office. I will post information about my Michigan job interview later — it was both strange and funny.

PROJECTING MY FEARS

When I was living in Springfield, Illinois, I had a job where the employees were encouraged to do volunteer work for others. I decided to volunteer for the American Heart Association. I volunteered to do publicity for the Association. I was able to book a half hour program on a local television channel. I had never put together a half hour program before, so I was very concerned that it be successful. The television station would supply the host for the program. I found a panel of three doctors and had a five-minute video that would help fill up the time. I put together a bunch of questions that the host could ask during the show.

The day of the taping, I broke into a cold sweat when into the first 15 minutes of the show, the host had shown the video and used up all my questions! We were only half way through. The host did a decent job the rest of the show, making up questions. I felt embarrassed by my failure. So, I pledged to myself that the next time I got involved in a television show, I would be better prepared.

In those days I was interested in the topic of ESP, since I had some unusual experiences. Because of my interest, I got involved in a series of half hour shows on ESP on a Springfield local cable station. I do not remember if I approached them or if they approached me about launching the new series on ESP. I do recall that I volunteered my time for free in getting the show on the air. At that time, I was attending a Unity Church and knew some people with similar interests in ESP. In fact, one of the Unity members was a young barber. I thought he would be a good host; he was handsome, articulate, and had some psychic abilities. (Unfortunately, I do not recall his name, since it was so long ago.)

The barber agreed to host the program. I felt some panic about the show because of my previous failure with the Heart Association television show. I got a pad of paper and told the barber that we would work on the questions for the first guest together. I told the barber to have the pad of paper in front of him at the taping, so he could read the questions. I was concerned that since his first time on television that the barber may panic and forget the questions. The pad of questions was the security blanket.

The day of the taping came and things did not go well. The barber appeared wooden and would read the questions mechanically. There was no real rapport between the host and the guest. I figured out afterwards what the problem was when the barber and I went over what happened. He found the pad of questions too confining; but out of loyalty for me (and because he thought I knew what I was doing), he asked the questions that we had worked on.

For the next show, we again went over the questions to ask. This time, however, I left him alone. I told him that while it was good to have the questions available in the event he went blank that he did not have to use any of the questions if he did not want to.

This time at the day of the taping the second show went very well. The host was a natural! The rapport was great with the guest. And guest what? He never had to look at the pad of paper. I had projected my fears onto him because of my previous failure with the other television show for the Heart Association. My preparations were stifling the spontaneity and the joy the host felt for the show.

When I stopped projecting my fears onto him, he was free to be himself.

ONENESS

Many of my experiences that I list in my other postings happened over 35 years ago. While mostly ESP-type experiences, they had personal meaning for me at the time. They opened my eyes to new possibilities. I had several more ESP experiences, but I have only listed the major ones. Over the years, I have moved away from ESP toward a more spiritual bend. I am attracted to mysticism and the direct experience of God. I am particularly curious about the losing of the self and the cosmic experience of oneness.

I believe that Tony Parsons in is book, As It Is, explains it as well as anyone can explain it. While walking in a park in a suburb of London, Tony noticed his mind was totally occupied with expectations of future events. In order to free his mind, Tony concentrated on each footstep of his walking.

The following passages are from As It Is:
“I noticed that each footstep was totally unique in feel and pressure, and that it was there one moment and gone the next, never to be repeated in the same way ever again.

“As all of this was happening, there was a transition from me watching me walking to simply the presence of walking. What happened then is simply beyond description. I can only inadequately say in words that total stillness and presence seemed to descend over everything. All and everything became timeless and I no longer existed. I vanished and there was no longer an experiencer.

“Oneness with all and everything was what happened. I can’t say I was ‘at one’ because “I” had disappeared. I can only say that oneness with all and everything is what happened, and an overwhelming love filled everything. Together with this there came a total comprehension of the whole. All of this happened in a timeless flash that seemed eternal.”

“You have written about ‘the open secret.’ Where does the expression come from?”

“When I walked across the park, one of the most amazing and liberating things that was seen was that everything was the ground of unconditional love. There is nothing that is not sacred, and, regardless of any particular state I might be in, I saw that grace was a continuously available. Look, here is the secret (picks up a sweater and throws it on the floor). In the dream, we see a separate object. When there is no illusory, separate self, the ground of unconditional love is seen. This is what is always open to us. There is nothing that exists outside of the ground of this natural unity. The ‘secret’ is that there is no separation, but it remains a secret as long as we believe we are someone.”

REMEMBRANCE

The following was written in 1993:

The newborn baby is detached from its mother's loving arms
That is how I felt coming into the world
I knew the completeness of being with You
The world was stark and cold without You
I couldn't remember deciding to come back here
All I knew was my great loss
A sense of oneness shattered
A sharp sense of separation
I felt like an alien in the world
No one understood my sense of loss
They misunderstood my grief for other ailments
I could not understand how people could live without You
It was like being sent to Siberia
A sense of stark cold aloneness
Strangely, at the same time that I felt my aloneness
I understood and felt what it was like being with You
The fire of that remembrance warmed me
At the same time I was alone
I wasn't alone
For the fire of my remembrance made me not alone
Those around me were astonished that I could do things alone
Without companionship and not feel lonely
What they did not realize was that I never felt completely alone
The remembrance was blazing through my soul
The intoxicating fragrance of my remembrance
Kept me going for many years
Now, I have reached my middle years
And the remembrance has faded
I am just left with the remembrance of the remembrance
I now feel alone for the first time in my life
The remembrance is dim and no longer keeps me going
I find myself more occupied with material things
And am afraid of losing them
I find myself afraid of losing my prosperity
The remembrance is no longer enough
The remembrance no longer sustains me
My soul cries out for a new relationship
One not built on remembrance
But one built on a relationship of today
No more yesterdays
But Todays
I need a God that breaks though the present moment
Who is my friend today
My prayer is that I find a way for this opening to happen
Although at the same time I realize that
I can not force God's hand
But I do believe that God's Spirit can break through
At any time
My prayer is that I do my part and prepare the way
For the breakthrough
That I do nothing that would impede the Spirit
While impatient for the breakthrough to happen
I have a sense that if I am totally honest with myself and God
That this is all that is needed
God loves those who love God
May my love be honest and true
May this be the moment

A NEW BEGINNING

It was 1967. I had graduated from college and was scheduled to go to graduate school at Syracuse University in the fall. For summer work, I decided to work in a restaurant in Cape Cod. An acquaintance at college got me the job and a high school friend was also working in the Cape this summer. The Cape seemed the perfect place for both work and relaxation. It would be my first summer away from staying at home, so it was also an adventure for me. I would be surrounded by young people and would have some quiet time for myself to reflect on another adventure, graduate school.

I was to stay with the acquaintance in a nice cottage, not far from tree-lined Centerville, a lovely quiet place. But my college friend was not arriving for a while, so I needed temporary residence before I could move into the cottage. I found an octagon house, with a room to let, near Centerville. In the room next to mine, were two musicians who were part of an orchestra for a play. This was exciting to me -- to be living in an octagon house, next to musicians.

The two musicians would echo what other neighbors would tell me when I lived in Syracuse -- that they were concerned about me because I lived alone. The fact that someone would live alone seemed lonely to them; but for me, I never felt lonely. I just felt a need for solitude and reflection.

When I finally moved into the cottage, I was delighted to find it to be so clean and modern. There was more than enough space for both of us. Since we both worked different shifts, I would also have time for myself. The cottage was somewhat isolated, and there was a small pond nearby where I liked to feed bread to the fish.

I was a devout Catholic but felt there was something wrong. I had a deep belief in God and wanted to be a priest, but something was holding me back from making the decision. There was no doubt in my mind that I had a calling to serve God. At the time, I felt that I was at fault -- that I was holding back because I did not measure up. I could not put a handle on what was wrong.

My college friend was engaged to be married. I was shocked one night when he brought a woman home from the restaurant. He thought I was asleep at the time, but I heard them making love in the living room. I was confused that someone could do this to the one he was to marry. His fiancée was coming to visit in a week.

I stopped by a bookstore and found a book that was to change my life. In fact, there were a few books in my life that radically changed my thinking. The name of the book I picked up was called, A Modern Priest Looks At His Outdated Church. The book was like finding the missing link -- the book helped explain my personal dilemma that I couldn't explain to myself. It showed me why I was holding back from the priesthood. For the first time I understood that the problem was not with me, but with the Church. It was not that I did not measure up, but unconsciously I had recognized there was something wrong with the Church.

My way of viewing the world changed from reading the book. While the Catholic Church is not a cult, it taught me cult like beliefs at the time. The Catholic Church was the only true religion, that if you were to die with a mortal sin that you would go to hell. Confession rather than relieving guilt could create guilt. I remember the guilt I carried with me until I went to Confession -- the guilt that the Catholic Church taught me that I should feel guilty about.

Shortly after reading the book, I went down to the pond to feed the fish. In the sand, I saw the open shells of turtle eggs. I found myself fascinated by the shells and reflected on them. I identified my own situation with the eggs. I was experiencing a new mysterious birth, also. My eyes were open to a new life. I felt both excitement and fear at the same time. I felt a sense of excitement about life, as if I were exploring things for the first time. I found myself frightened also because the Catholic Church had given me all the answers. Now, I had to find the Truth out for myself.

I remember that summer day by the pond. I was almost naked -- I was lightly attired in only a T-shirt, Bermuda shorts and sandals. I felt close to being naked at the time -- like a child starting out in the world.

The rest of the summer went by quickly. The sky was overcast most of that summer of 1967. People complained that it had been one of the worst summers for the Cape in many years. I was thankful, however, for the clouds because it reflected my mood. I found it easier to reflect about my situation with clouds than with the sun.

A SIGN

My second year of my graduate school's requirement was an internship. I was scheduled to work for the American Medical Association in Chicago. Because of a scheduling problem, I could not work immediately for AMA, so I needed another internship for a couple of months before I could start my AMA internship.

Jacksonville, Illinois, turned out as the place selected for the two month internship. I drove there the day before my internship was to begin to find that there was no motel rooms available. It seemed that there was the State Fair going on, and no rooms were available. I pulled off the side of the road and slept in my car. I had to begin work the next day without a shave and with the same clothes I slept in. Not a very good beginning!

I drove around to see what Jacksonville looked like. I went to the central square area and could not find one person! I thought I had been sent to the end of the world. But appearances can be deceiving, and Jacksonville turned out to be one of the best adventures of my life.

My supervisor was an usual woman who believed in ESP, something I never thought about in my life. I was working in a mental health setting. She told me of the time when a woman was undergoing a crisis and opened the telephone book up and called the first person's number she saw. It turned out to be my supervisor's number, and she was able to help the woman.

The supervisor gave me a book called, Three Magic Words, by U.S. Anderson. I don't remember anything about the book, with the exception that the author believed in ESP. Whetting my curiosity, I decided to look further into ESP and went to a drug store and saw a book with an usual cover that stood out. The book was called How To Make ESP Work For You, and it was written by Harold Sherman. Like another book I read, A Modern Priest Looks At His Outdated Church, Sherman's book dramatically changed how I looked at the world.

At the time of my stay in Jacksonville, I became friends with Brother Bob, who later became Father Bob. We would have lunch frequently together and sometimes go out at night. He was a gentle soul who came from a big family, around 13 brothers and sisters. I told Bob my concerns with the Church, and he would kindly hear me out. One time, we went out on a double date and he became infatuated with the girl, possibly feeling like he was in love with her. At the time, I did not think it terribly strange that he should go on a date -- he was not yet a priest and he was experimenting before he made his commitment.

Perhaps, that is why we were friends -- we were both going into unknown areas of our life. I was moving ahead without the Catholic Church, while Bob was moving into a life within the Catholic Church. I did not mention anything to Bob about my recent interest in ESP and reading about it. At night, I began practicing some of the techniques mentioned by Sherman.

Using Sherman's recommendations, I would lie comfortably on a sofa and get totally relaxed. To keep thoughts from interfering, Sherman suggested picturing a blank, white motion picture screen. I have difficulty imaging things; but since I liked going to movies, I would enjoy concentrating on the screen. In fact, when I did go to the movies, before the movie began, I would concentrate on the blank screen so I would it would be less difficult for me to remember.

At the time, I was so naive about ESP and understood it so little that it was only afterwards when I read Sherman's book that I realized that I got many of his directions wrong. The major mistake was that Sherman was explaining a telepathy experiment, where there is a sender and a receiver. I, on the other hand, was just lying on the sofa, relaxing and imagining a blank, white screen. At the same time, something at the gut level was telling me that something was working. Every time I tried the experiment, I felt more relaxed -- that there was something that was working.

One day at lunch, Bob and I had an angry exchange. He was trying to convert me to his way of thinking, and I was trying to convert him to his way of thinking. I became angry and started to get loud. He changed subjects, and I was embarrassed for losing control. I asked him if he was able to go out tonight, and he said that he had to work on a paper, instead.

I decided that I would try my experiment with ESP again that night in November 1968. As I was relaxing, I remembered an important point I had read: In order for what you want to work, you have to believe it will work. You have to act as if the experiment has already accomplished its mission. In short, you need belief.

I found it a paradox to believe in something I wasn't sure about. It went against my way of thinking. Does that mean in order to find God you first need to believe in God? My experience with the Catholic Church had been extremely hurtful -- I didn't need any more bitterness and disillusion about God. But on another level I came to an understanding about what this ESP experiment was really about for me. It was an attempt to contact God.

So I made my decision. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I took a leap of faith. As much as possible, I believed in the existence of God. I kept it up for about a minute, and I heard myself say to my own surprise, "Please show me a sign."

As soon as I said the word, "sign," the telephone rang. It was Brother Bob and the very first thing he said to me was, "John, you wanted me to call you, didn't you. I was walking up the stairs to my house when I saw a white screen in front of my eyes. As soon as I saw this screen, I had the impression that you needed me."

I explained to Brother Bob about the ESP experiments and the fact that I had been concentrating on a white screen. I was so excited that Brother Bob said he could spare a few minutes from his paper and meet with me. As soon as I put the telephone down the impact of what had occurred hit me, and I burst into tears. When I met with Brother Bob, he was not as amazed at what had happened as I was. How he saw the universe included events like mine.

I had two other ESP incidents with Brother Bob shortly after that, although they were not as spectacular as the white screen incident. I was reading a book that stressed the importance of Christ as a spiritual leader, something I had questioned since leaving the Church. However, as I rethought that I may be wrong about Christ, I was overcome by emotion and began to weep. At that exact moment Brother Bob called. I don't weep easily or often, and I don't think it was a coincidence that Brother Bob called me at that moment. In fact, Sherman says it is exactly a