REMEMBRANCE

The following was written in 1993:

The newborn baby is detached from its mother's loving arms
That is how I felt coming into the world
I knew the completeness of being with You
The world was stark and cold without You
I couldn't remember deciding to come back here
All I knew was my great loss
A sense of oneness shattered
A sharp sense of separation
I felt like an alien in the world
No one understood my sense of loss
They misunderstood my grief for other ailments
I could not understand how people could live without You
It was like being sent to Siberia
A sense of stark cold aloneness
Strangely, at the same time that I felt my aloneness
I understood and felt what it was like being with You
The fire of that remembrance warmed me
At the same time I was alone
I wasn't alone
For the fire of my remembrance made me not alone
Those around me were astonished that I could do things alone
Without companionship and not feel lonely
What they did not realize was that I never felt completely alone
The remembrance was blazing through my soul
The intoxicating fragrance of my remembrance
Kept me going for many years
Now, I have reached my middle years
And the remembrance has faded
I am just left with the remembrance of the remembrance
I now feel alone for the first time in my life
The remembrance is dim and no longer keeps me going
I find myself more occupied with material things
And am afraid of losing them
I find myself afraid of losing my prosperity
The remembrance is no longer enough
The remembrance no longer sustains me
My soul cries out for a new relationship
One not built on remembrance
But one built on a relationship of today
No more yesterdays
But Todays
I need a God that breaks though the present moment
Who is my friend today
My prayer is that I find a way for this opening to happen
Although at the same time I realize that
I can not force God's hand
But I do believe that God's Spirit can break through
At any time
My prayer is that I do my part and prepare the way
For the breakthrough
That I do nothing that would impede the Spirit
While impatient for the breakthrough to happen
I have a sense that if I am totally honest with myself and God
That this is all that is needed
God loves those who love God
May my love be honest and true
May this be the moment