A NEW BEGINNING
It was 1967. I had graduated from college and was scheduled to go to graduate school at Syracuse University in the fall. For summer work, I decided to work in a restaurant in Cape Cod. An acquaintance at college got me the job and a high school friend was also working in the Cape this summer. The Cape seemed the perfect place for both work and relaxation. It would be my first summer away from staying at home, so it was also an adventure for me. I would be surrounded by young people and would have some quiet time for myself to reflect on another adventure, graduate school.
I was to stay with the acquaintance in a nice cottage, not far from tree-lined Centerville, a lovely quiet place. But my college friend was not arriving for a while, so I needed temporary residence before I could move into the cottage. I found an octagon house, with a room to let, near Centerville. In the room next to mine, were two musicians who were part of an orchestra for a play. This was exciting to me -- to be living in an octagon house, next to musicians.
The two musicians would echo what other neighbors would tell me when I lived in Syracuse -- that they were concerned about me because I lived alone. The fact that someone would live alone seemed lonely to them; but for me, I never felt lonely. I just felt a need for solitude and reflection.
When I finally moved into the cottage, I was delighted to find it to be so clean and modern. There was more than enough space for both of us. Since we both worked different shifts, I would also have time for myself. The cottage was somewhat isolated, and there was a small pond nearby where I liked to feed bread to the fish.
I was a devout Catholic but felt there was something wrong. I had a deep belief in God and wanted to be a priest, but something was holding me back from making the decision. There was no doubt in my mind that I had a calling to serve God. At the time, I felt that I was at fault -- that I was holding back because I did not measure up. I could not put a handle on what was wrong.
My college friend was engaged to be married. I was shocked one night when he brought a woman home from the restaurant. He thought I was asleep at the time, but I heard them making love in the living room. I was confused that someone could do this to the one he was to marry. His fiancée was coming to visit in a week.
I stopped by a bookstore and found a book that was to change my life. In fact, there were a few books in my life that radically changed my thinking. The name of the book I picked up was called, A Modern Priest Looks At His Outdated Church. The book was like finding the missing link -- the book helped explain my personal dilemma that I couldn't explain to myself. It showed me why I was holding back from the priesthood. For the first time I understood that the problem was not with me, but with the Church. It was not that I did not measure up, but unconsciously I had recognized there was something wrong with the Church.
My way of viewing the world changed from reading the book. While the Catholic Church is not a cult, it taught me cult like beliefs at the time. The Catholic Church was the only true religion, that if you were to die with a mortal sin that you would go to hell. Confession rather than relieving guilt could create guilt. I remember the guilt I carried with me until I went to Confession -- the guilt that the Catholic Church taught me that I should feel guilty about.
Shortly after reading the book, I went down to the pond to feed the fish. In the sand, I saw the open shells of turtle eggs. I found myself fascinated by the shells and reflected on them. I identified my own situation with the eggs. I was experiencing a new mysterious birth, also. My eyes were open to a new life. I felt both excitement and fear at the same time. I felt a sense of excitement about life, as if I were exploring things for the first time. I found myself frightened also because the Catholic Church had given me all the answers. Now, I had to find the Truth out for myself.
I remember that summer day by the pond. I was almost naked -- I was lightly attired in only a T-shirt, Bermuda shorts and sandals. I felt close to being naked at the time -- like a child starting out in the world.
The rest of the summer went by quickly. The sky was overcast most of that summer of 1967. People complained that it had been one of the worst summers for the Cape in many years. I was thankful, however, for the clouds because it reflected my mood. I found it easier to reflect about my situation with clouds than with the sun.
I was to stay with the acquaintance in a nice cottage, not far from tree-lined Centerville, a lovely quiet place. But my college friend was not arriving for a while, so I needed temporary residence before I could move into the cottage. I found an octagon house, with a room to let, near Centerville. In the room next to mine, were two musicians who were part of an orchestra for a play. This was exciting to me -- to be living in an octagon house, next to musicians.
The two musicians would echo what other neighbors would tell me when I lived in Syracuse -- that they were concerned about me because I lived alone. The fact that someone would live alone seemed lonely to them; but for me, I never felt lonely. I just felt a need for solitude and reflection.
When I finally moved into the cottage, I was delighted to find it to be so clean and modern. There was more than enough space for both of us. Since we both worked different shifts, I would also have time for myself. The cottage was somewhat isolated, and there was a small pond nearby where I liked to feed bread to the fish.
I was a devout Catholic but felt there was something wrong. I had a deep belief in God and wanted to be a priest, but something was holding me back from making the decision. There was no doubt in my mind that I had a calling to serve God. At the time, I felt that I was at fault -- that I was holding back because I did not measure up. I could not put a handle on what was wrong.
My college friend was engaged to be married. I was shocked one night when he brought a woman home from the restaurant. He thought I was asleep at the time, but I heard them making love in the living room. I was confused that someone could do this to the one he was to marry. His fiancée was coming to visit in a week.
I stopped by a bookstore and found a book that was to change my life. In fact, there were a few books in my life that radically changed my thinking. The name of the book I picked up was called, A Modern Priest Looks At His Outdated Church. The book was like finding the missing link -- the book helped explain my personal dilemma that I couldn't explain to myself. It showed me why I was holding back from the priesthood. For the first time I understood that the problem was not with me, but with the Church. It was not that I did not measure up, but unconsciously I had recognized there was something wrong with the Church.
My way of viewing the world changed from reading the book. While the Catholic Church is not a cult, it taught me cult like beliefs at the time. The Catholic Church was the only true religion, that if you were to die with a mortal sin that you would go to hell. Confession rather than relieving guilt could create guilt. I remember the guilt I carried with me until I went to Confession -- the guilt that the Catholic Church taught me that I should feel guilty about.
Shortly after reading the book, I went down to the pond to feed the fish. In the sand, I saw the open shells of turtle eggs. I found myself fascinated by the shells and reflected on them. I identified my own situation with the eggs. I was experiencing a new mysterious birth, also. My eyes were open to a new life. I felt both excitement and fear at the same time. I felt a sense of excitement about life, as if I were exploring things for the first time. I found myself frightened also because the Catholic Church had given me all the answers. Now, I had to find the Truth out for myself.
I remember that summer day by the pond. I was almost naked -- I was lightly attired in only a T-shirt, Bermuda shorts and sandals. I felt close to being naked at the time -- like a child starting out in the world.
The rest of the summer went by quickly. The sky was overcast most of that summer of 1967. People complained that it had been one of the worst summers for the Cape in many years. I was thankful, however, for the clouds because it reflected my mood. I found it easier to reflect about my situation with clouds than with the sun.
posted by Brother Bob @ 2:55 PM
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