ONENESS

Many of my experiences that I list in my other postings happened over 35 years ago. While mostly ESP-type experiences, they had personal meaning for me at the time. They opened my eyes to new possibilities. I had several more ESP experiences, but I have only listed the major ones. Over the years, I have moved away from ESP toward a more spiritual bend. I am attracted to mysticism and the direct experience of God. I am particularly curious about the losing of the self and the cosmic experience of oneness.

I believe that Tony Parsons in is book, As It Is, explains it as well as anyone can explain it. While walking in a park in a suburb of London, Tony noticed his mind was totally occupied with expectations of future events. In order to free his mind, Tony concentrated on each footstep of his walking.

The following passages are from As It Is:
“I noticed that each footstep was totally unique in feel and pressure, and that it was there one moment and gone the next, never to be repeated in the same way ever again.

“As all of this was happening, there was a transition from me watching me walking to simply the presence of walking. What happened then is simply beyond description. I can only inadequately say in words that total stillness and presence seemed to descend over everything. All and everything became timeless and I no longer existed. I vanished and there was no longer an experiencer.

“Oneness with all and everything was what happened. I can’t say I was ‘at one’ because “I” had disappeared. I can only say that oneness with all and everything is what happened, and an overwhelming love filled everything. Together with this there came a total comprehension of the whole. All of this happened in a timeless flash that seemed eternal.”

“You have written about ‘the open secret.’ Where does the expression come from?”

“When I walked across the park, one of the most amazing and liberating things that was seen was that everything was the ground of unconditional love. There is nothing that is not sacred, and, regardless of any particular state I might be in, I saw that grace was a continuously available. Look, here is the secret (picks up a sweater and throws it on the floor). In the dream, we see a separate object. When there is no illusory, separate self, the ground of unconditional love is seen. This is what is always open to us. There is nothing that exists outside of the ground of this natural unity. The ‘secret’ is that there is no separation, but it remains a secret as long as we believe we are someone.”

REMEMBRANCE

The following was written in 1993:

The newborn baby is detached from its mother's loving arms
That is how I felt coming into the world
I knew the completeness of being with You
The world was stark and cold without You
I couldn't remember deciding to come back here
All I knew was my great loss
A sense of oneness shattered
A sharp sense of separation
I felt like an alien in the world
No one understood my sense of loss
They misunderstood my grief for other ailments
I could not understand how people could live without You
It was like being sent to Siberia
A sense of stark cold aloneness
Strangely, at the same time that I felt my aloneness
I understood and felt what it was like being with You
The fire of that remembrance warmed me
At the same time I was alone
I wasn't alone
For the fire of my remembrance made me not alone
Those around me were astonished that I could do things alone
Without companionship and not feel lonely
What they did not realize was that I never felt completely alone
The remembrance was blazing through my soul
The intoxicating fragrance of my remembrance
Kept me going for many years
Now, I have reached my middle years
And the remembrance has faded
I am just left with the remembrance of the remembrance
I now feel alone for the first time in my life
The remembrance is dim and no longer keeps me going
I find myself more occupied with material things
And am afraid of losing them
I find myself afraid of losing my prosperity
The remembrance is no longer enough
The remembrance no longer sustains me
My soul cries out for a new relationship
One not built on remembrance
But one built on a relationship of today
No more yesterdays
But Todays
I need a God that breaks though the present moment
Who is my friend today
My prayer is that I find a way for this opening to happen
Although at the same time I realize that
I can not force God's hand
But I do believe that God's Spirit can break through
At any time
My prayer is that I do my part and prepare the way
For the breakthrough
That I do nothing that would impede the Spirit
While impatient for the breakthrough to happen
I have a sense that if I am totally honest with myself and God
That this is all that is needed
God loves those who love God
May my love be honest and true
May this be the moment

A NEW BEGINNING

It was 1967. I had graduated from college and was scheduled to go to graduate school at Syracuse University in the fall. For summer work, I decided to work in a restaurant in Cape Cod. An acquaintance at college got me the job and a high school friend was also working in the Cape this summer. The Cape seemed the perfect place for both work and relaxation. It would be my first summer away from staying at home, so it was also an adventure for me. I would be surrounded by young people and would have some quiet time for myself to reflect on another adventure, graduate school.

I was to stay with the acquaintance in a nice cottage, not far from tree-lined Centerville, a lovely quiet place. But my college friend was not arriving for a while, so I needed temporary residence before I could move into the cottage. I found an octagon house, with a room to let, near Centerville. In the room next to mine, were two musicians who were part of an orchestra for a play. This was exciting to me -- to be living in an octagon house, next to musicians.

The two musicians would echo what other neighbors would tell me when I lived in Syracuse -- that they were concerned about me because I lived alone. The fact that someone would live alone seemed lonely to them; but for me, I never felt lonely. I just felt a need for solitude and reflection.

When I finally moved into the cottage, I was delighted to find it to be so clean and modern. There was more than enough space for both of us. Since we both worked different shifts, I would also have time for myself. The cottage was somewhat isolated, and there was a small pond nearby where I liked to feed bread to the fish.

I was a devout Catholic but felt there was something wrong. I had a deep belief in God and wanted to be a priest, but something was holding me back from making the decision. There was no doubt in my mind that I had a calling to serve God. At the time, I felt that I was at fault -- that I was holding back because I did not measure up. I could not put a handle on what was wrong.

My college friend was engaged to be married. I was shocked one night when he brought a woman home from the restaurant. He thought I was asleep at the time, but I heard them making love in the living room. I was confused that someone could do this to the one he was to marry. His fiancée was coming to visit in a week.

I stopped by a bookstore and found a book that was to change my life. In fact, there were a few books in my life that radically changed my thinking. The name of the book I picked up was called, A Modern Priest Looks At His Outdated Church. The book was like finding the missing link -- the book helped explain my personal dilemma that I couldn't explain to myself. It showed me why I was holding back from the priesthood. For the first time I understood that the problem was not with me, but with the Church. It was not that I did not measure up, but unconsciously I had recognized there was something wrong with the Church.

My way of viewing the world changed from reading the book. While the Catholic Church is not a cult, it taught me cult like beliefs at the time. The Catholic Church was the only true religion, that if you were to die with a mortal sin that you would go to hell. Confession rather than relieving guilt could create guilt. I remember the guilt I carried with me until I went to Confession -- the guilt that the Catholic Church taught me that I should feel guilty about.

Shortly after reading the book, I went down to the pond to feed the fish. In the sand, I saw the open shells of turtle eggs. I found myself fascinated by the shells and reflected on them. I identified my own situation with the eggs. I was experiencing a new mysterious birth, also. My eyes were open to a new life. I felt both excitement and fear at the same time. I felt a sense of excitement about life, as if I were exploring things for the first time. I found myself frightened also because the Catholic Church had given me all the answers. Now, I had to find the Truth out for myself.

I remember that summer day by the pond. I was almost naked -- I was lightly attired in only a T-shirt, Bermuda shorts and sandals. I felt close to being naked at the time -- like a child starting out in the world.

The rest of the summer went by quickly. The sky was overcast most of that summer of 1967. People complained that it had been one of the worst summers for the Cape in many years. I was thankful, however, for the clouds because it reflected my mood. I found it easier to reflect about my situation with clouds than with the sun.

A SIGN

My second year of my graduate school's requirement was an internship. I was scheduled to work for the American Medical Association in Chicago. Because of a scheduling problem, I could not work immediately for AMA, so I needed another internship for a couple of months before I could start my AMA internship.

Jacksonville, Illinois, turned out as the place selected for the two month internship. I drove there the day before my internship was to begin to find that there was no motel rooms available. It seemed that there was the State Fair going on, and no rooms were available. I pulled off the side of the road and slept in my car. I had to begin work the next day without a shave and with the same clothes I slept in. Not a very good beginning!

I drove around to see what Jacksonville looked like. I went to the central square area and could not find one person! I thought I had been sent to the end of the world. But appearances can be deceiving, and Jacksonville turned out to be one of the best adventures of my life.

My supervisor was an usual woman who believed in ESP, something I never thought about in my life. I was working in a mental health setting. She told me of the time when a woman was undergoing a crisis and opened the telephone book up and called the first person's number she saw. It turned out to be my supervisor's number, and she was able to help the woman.

The supervisor gave me a book called, Three Magic Words, by U.S. Anderson. I don't remember anything about the book, with the exception that the author believed in ESP. Whetting my curiosity, I decided to look further into ESP and went to a drug store and saw a book with an usual cover that stood out. The book was called How To Make ESP Work For You, and it was written by Harold Sherman. Like another book I read, A Modern Priest Looks At His Outdated Church, Sherman's book dramatically changed how I looked at the world.

At the time of my stay in Jacksonville, I became friends with Brother Bob, who later became Father Bob. We would have lunch frequently together and sometimes go out at night. He was a gentle soul who came from a big family, around 13 brothers and sisters. I told Bob my concerns with the Church, and he would kindly hear me out. One time, we went out on a double date and he became infatuated with the girl, possibly feeling like he was in love with her. At the time, I did not think it terribly strange that he should go on a date -- he was not yet a priest and he was experimenting before he made his commitment.

Perhaps, that is why we were friends -- we were both going into unknown areas of our life. I was moving ahead without the Catholic Church, while Bob was moving into a life within the Catholic Church. I did not mention anything to Bob about my recent interest in ESP and reading about it. At night, I began practicing some of the techniques mentioned by Sherman.

Using Sherman's recommendations, I would lie comfortably on a sofa and get totally relaxed. To keep thoughts from interfering, Sherman suggested picturing a blank, white motion picture screen. I have difficulty imaging things; but since I liked going to movies, I would enjoy concentrating on the screen. In fact, when I did go to the movies, before the movie began, I would concentrate on the blank screen so I would it would be less difficult for me to remember.

At the time, I was so naive about ESP and understood it so little that it was only afterwards when I read Sherman's book that I realized that I got many of his directions wrong. The major mistake was that Sherman was explaining a telepathy experiment, where there is a sender and a receiver. I, on the other hand, was just lying on the sofa, relaxing and imagining a blank, white screen. At the same time, something at the gut level was telling me that something was working. Every time I tried the experiment, I felt more relaxed -- that there was something that was working.

One day at lunch, Bob and I had an angry exchange. He was trying to convert me to his way of thinking, and I was trying to convert him to his way of thinking. I became angry and started to get loud. He changed subjects, and I was embarrassed for losing control. I asked him if he was able to go out tonight, and he said that he had to work on a paper, instead.

I decided that I would try my experiment with ESP again that night in November 1968. As I was relaxing, I remembered an important point I had read: In order for what you want to work, you have to believe it will work. You have to act as if the experiment has already accomplished its mission. In short, you need belief.

I found it a paradox to believe in something I wasn't sure about. It went against my way of thinking. Does that mean in order to find God you first need to believe in God? My experience with the Catholic Church had been extremely hurtful -- I didn't need any more bitterness and disillusion about God. But on another level I came to an understanding about what this ESP experiment was really about for me. It was an attempt to contact God.

So I made my decision. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I took a leap of faith. As much as possible, I believed in the existence of God. I kept it up for about a minute, and I heard myself say to my own surprise, "Please show me a sign."

As soon as I said the word, "sign," the telephone rang. It was Brother Bob and the very first thing he said to me was, "John, you wanted me to call you, didn't you. I was walking up the stairs to my house when I saw a white screen in front of my eyes. As soon as I saw this screen, I had the impression that you needed me."

I explained to Brother Bob about the ESP experiments and the fact that I had been concentrating on a white screen. I was so excited that Brother Bob said he could spare a few minutes from his paper and meet with me. As soon as I put the telephone down the impact of what had occurred hit me, and I burst into tears. When I met with Brother Bob, he was not as amazed at what had happened as I was. How he saw the universe included events like mine.

I had two other ESP incidents with Brother Bob shortly after that, although they were not as spectacular as the white screen incident. I was reading a book that stressed the importance of Christ as a spiritual leader, something I had questioned since leaving the Church. However, as I rethought that I may be wrong about Christ, I was overcome by emotion and began to weep. At that exact moment Brother Bob called. I don't weep easily or often, and I don't think it was a coincidence that Brother Bob called me at that moment. In fact, Sherman says it is exactly at such emotional moments that we tend to be in telepathic communication -- that emotions play a large part of ESP.

Another time, I was reading about the importance of going to church, which was again challenged by preconceived thinking since leaving he Church. I challenged myself again, saying I may be wrong again. I found myself weeping again. At the exact time of my weeping, Brother Bob called again.

I have lost contact with Brother Bob. He spent some time in Boston and my parents invited him and a friend over for dinner a few times, since he did not know many people in Boston. The last I heard about Brother Bob was that he was a priest and a principle of a Catholic high school in Minnesota.

BAHA'I FAITH

I got interested in the Baha'i Faith. I can't recall what caused me to get involved. I remember that I had read some books on world religions, including a book by Marcus Bach which mentioned the Baha'i Faith and its prophet Bahaullah.

Part of the attraction was because some of the Baha'i beliefs appealed to me:
--the equality of women and all the races
--the miracle stories that surrounded its history
--the belief in world government and one universal language
--the parallels seemed believable between how Christianity and Beha'i religions began
--their belief in nonviolence
--their belief that science and religion were compatible and the fact that one could demand scientific proof of one's beliefs.

At the few meetings I attended, I was moved by the interracial marriages of some of the Baha'is attending the meetings. The lack of prejudice of the believers moved me.

But most moving were the Baha'i prayers. The beauty of the prayers struck a cord in my soul. Their prayers made God seem more real and more personal. The love of God in their prayers moved me on a deep level.

At one Baha'i function, there was a special speaker. A famous speaker, educator and writer of the movement. He was also 90 years old. We all had an opportunity to shake his hand. When it was my turn, he paused a moment and said, "You are entangled in the Baha'i Faith." His words were very accurate at the time and reflected my thinking at the time. I was, indeed, very attracted to the Faith and was entangled by it. It was obvious to me that he had some psychic abilities, and he was able to sense from my hand or aura what I was feeling.

In his presentation that evening, he told a special story of importance to him. It seemed that at one time he was entangled in a metaphysical group. Then something happened that changed everything. It seemed that at a meeting with one of the group's leaders, the leader chastised someone over a trivial matter. The presenter said he was appalled at the leader's attitude and started wondering about the true spirituality of the group. He eventually ended up leaving the group.

We were honored when we discovered that the Baha'i leader would be having a special outdoor meeting in the park. I went to that meeting with great anticipation. I felt that this man who had given me a special reading was quite remarkable, and I was looking forward to hearing what he had to say with excitement. He began to make his speech and a couple of minutes into it stopped. He then began to yell at one of the members who was smoking a cigarette. He said something close to, "What's wrong with you! Don't you know this is a spiritual meeting! Put out that cigarette immediately." Red faced, the young member did put out the cigarette.

I was stunned that he was so rude to the member. Tension filled the air. I felt sure that others were as embarrassed as I about his inappropriate handling of the situation. I thought it was so ironic that his previous talk about the rude leader echoed what I was witnessing.

I was greatly upset by the episode. I remember going to bed confused and wondering aloud about how I would ever know God. In the middle of the night I had a very strange experience. I was in some kind of alternate state of consciousness. I awoke in the middle of the night. I saw a light from a distance approach me. When the light came closer to me, I was shocked that I was able to know who it was -- it was Abdu'l-baha, the son of Bahaullah. I knew this wasn't a dream because I was incredulous at the time. I was asking myself questions to test myself. I did not understand how I was able to recognize the light as Abdu'l-baha. But there was no doubt in my mind. I knew it was, even though I only saw a light. It was as if his personality was so powerful that it had communicated who he was.

Then he began talking to me. He told me that I would not find God by reading books, but by experiencing God first hand. Then he said,

"We should speak in the language of heaven -- in the language of spirit -- for there is a language of the spirit and heart. It is as different from our language as our own language is different from that of the animals, who express themselves only by cries and sounds.

"It is the language of the spirit which speaks to God. When, in prayer, we are freed from all outward things and turn to God, then it is as if in our hearts we hear the voice of God. Without words we speak, we communicate, we converse with God and hear the answer."

After he had spoken, Abdu'l-baha's light began to move away -- until I watched it disappear entirely. Then I decided to go to sleep. When I awakened the next morning, I remember an unusual sense of joy that I had never felt since. This helped to confirm to me that I had a very unusual experience. Somehow the conversation during the night was the answer to confusion I was feeling when I went to bed.

A couple of weeks later, I was reading Bahaullah And The New Era, a book by J. E. Esslemont when I started to get goosebumps. In Chapter Six which was entitled, "Prayer," was the same words as above that Abdu'l-baha had spoken to me, word-for-word. This was the second confirmation for me. Reading more about Abdu'l-baha later on, I learned that there have been a number of unusual "special visits" by him to Baha'i members.

I eventually left the Baha'i Faith (even though I never officially was a member) because of a few things that I could not reconcile. I found that many of the members were not spiritual. Some had bizarre psychic beliefs. For some interracial couples, I felt that the Faith was more of a socially acceptable place to meet people than a devout belief in the Faith.

But the major reasons were connected to taking the challenge that they had thrown down. They would be able to answer any questions about the Faith I had. I had several questions at the time that no one could answer. First of all, no women were allowed in the Universal House of Justice which was strangely inconsistent in their belief in the inequality of the sexes; secondly, I could not understand why alcohol was forbidden and could not receive any answer.